Scorpions and Spiders and Worms, Oh My!

Sorry.  Another Me-Bitching-About-Bugs post.

You know about the scorpions (well, I may have left out the time I was lying in bed with Jack when I saw a scorpion climbing over his sweet little 15-month-old head - as he slept - and flicked it off, only to wake him up white doing so and have a screaming child in bed while I searched the floor for the escaped scorpion - which I found and destroyed).  You know about the snakes that used to fall out of trees and die on our porch (ok, maybe I never wrote about those actually).  You know about the grasshoppers and crickets.  The Dirt Dobbers.  The wasps.  The fire ants.

But have I told you about the spiders and the worms?

I didn't think so.

So the other night we are laying in bed when all of a sudden Charles taps me on the shoulder.  Which I ignore, thinking maybe it was an accident.  He taps again.

Me: What?
Charles: Don't freak out, but...
Me: FREAKING OUT
Charles, continued:...there is something on my back.  Crawling towards my neck.  See what it is.
Me: DON'T. MOVE.

I crawl over and see something scampering across his back.  Way too fast to be a scorpion.  My experienced bug-spotting eyes see at once it is a Hay Spider.  Harmless but very large and very fast.

Me: It's a spider.  A Hay Spider.

Charles jumps up and flicks it onto the floor.

Me: Now you have to find that thing and dispose of it before you can get back in bed. 

'Cuz ain't NO WAY I am going back to sleep with a loose bed-seeking spider in the room!

Madness ensues.  As Charles is looking for the spider, I spot a worm crawling across the carpet (a centipede maybe? A little gray thing that curles up in a ball). 

Me: Get that worm!
Charles: I need to find the spider first.
Me: You'd better get it!! (meaning of course, worm and spider)

Charles is climbing all over the floor looking for this damn spider.  He *finally* locates it.  Kills it.  Picks it up, with the worm, and takes it to the bathroom for a quick burial at sea.

I follow him in and and am unpleasantly surprised to find two more spiders - not Hay Spiders, but fat-bodied black spiders with  thick legs, chillin' in the bathroom.

Me: GET THOSE OUT!!!!
Charles: OK!!!

All four unwelcome guests have at this point been exterminated.  Charles proceeds to look around the room for more.  I follow him (not going to trust him on this one) and finally satisfied that our bedroom is bug-free, crawl back into bed.

Not ten minutes later (I kid you not), I feel something crawling - quickly - up my arm.  I don't have the same level of composure as Charles does when it comes to bugs.

I FREAK THE EFF OUT.

Rip my shirt off, saying "Bug! Bug! Bug!"

Charles finds it crawling across the bed and flicks it off the bed.  He goes to catch it and wouldn't you know it, ANOTHER FREAKING SPIDER IS CRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE ONE WE JUST FLICKED OFF THE BED.

Me: I f*&%#$% HATE IT HERE!!
Charles: It's ok, we'll get them all. 
Me: I f*&%#$% HATE IT HERE!!

So, we proceed to walk around the room and Charles seals off every possible entrance into the bedroom.  It did the trick.

Today it is 17 degrees, and with the wind chill it feels like 3 degrees.  All I can think about are all those bugs sitting outside our house and freezing. 

DIE, Bitches!!!